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Senin, 31 Juli 2017

How to potty train your 2.5 year old boy

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Very Convenient For Kids To Pee Or Poop. You Don't Need To Train Them

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Selasa, 25 Juli 2017

How Does Your Teenager Express Emotions

The teenage years can be rough for the parent/child relationship.

I heard another wise counselor refer to a teenager as a large toddler, and she encouraged parents to revert back to toddler strategies to deal with teenage tantrums. One advantage to teenagers though, is their ability to communicate is years beyond the skills of a toddler. Even the "silent treatment" is a source of communication. As parents learn to recognize the ways their teenagers communicate, and especially how they share emotions, the easier parents can navigate the adolescent years.

This post will focus on the out-of-the-box ways that your teenager shares feelings. Parenting would be easy if your children always opened up about emotions and told you in a calm way how they are feeling, but that doesn't happen very often. Luckily, your teenagers are giving you clues to what's happening inside their minds and hearts.
Below are some things to look for:

Art Work:

Some of my favorite counseling sessions with teenagers revolve around art projects. Art taps into a different part of the brain than words, and it is amazing what insights are formed simply by analyzing colors and patterns. If your child enjoys drawing or painting, take the time to really look at the art work. Go beyond simple statements of "I like that" and "Great job." Try to articulate comments on your child's process of creativity, such as:

"I noticed you used lots of different colors on this part of the page."

"I noticed that you took a lot of time deciding which colors to use."

"I wonder what you were thinking about as you drew that section."

"Help me understand what your drawing would say if it could speak."

As you sincerely seek the understand and appreciate your teenager's artwork, your teenager may open up and tell you the symbols and meaning behind the drawing. Perhaps you'll learn that the art is a depiction of a break-up, an anxiety, a future dream, or a jumble of emotions. Maybe the picture had no clear meaning until the conversation began, and you will help your child understand what they drew! Hopefully you'll be able to help your child understand how their artwork parallels their real life.

If you notice that your teenage refuses to openly communicate with you after school, but he/she draws all night long in the bedroom, know that communication is happening. Gently talking about the artwork might be an easier way to discover what's on your child's mind.

Poetry:

I have had the pleasure of counseling some amazing young poets. I have never been skilled at poetry, so seeing a high school student excel at deep, personal poetry awes me. If you are hoping to get "words" out of your teenager, and they enjoy creating poetry, they are giving you their "words." Poems may describe their fears about school, conflicts with friends, worries about future college, or recurring nightmares. Oftentimes, my teenage counseling clients are afraid to show their parents their poetry. They fear the poetry would frighten their parents, who would jump to conclusions too fiercely. It is important for parents to allow their children to explain the poetry, just like the artwork above, in their own way. Ask questions about the symbols, the characters, and the prose.

"The word ______ is used frequently. Tell me why that word was chosen."
"I noticed the words became really fast and short in this section. Does that represent a fast beating heart? Or racing thoughts?"
"I feel ______ (emotion) reading through your poem. What emotion did you feel while writing?"
"The girl in the poem seems a lot like you. How can you overcome that struggle in your own life?"

If serious themes of death or suicide frequent your child's poems, and your child struggles to talk to you in a way that eases your mind, then suggest counseling. It may be easier for your teenager to talk to a counselor about feelings, and it may prevent bodily harm or death. Take those conversations seriously.

Dance:
During college I broke my ankle, which ended my dancing career. Once I was healed enough to dance again, I choreographed a solo routine to express my journey. I performed the routine at a church talent show, and afterwards I cried in my brother's arms. He was the only one who understood my dance, and his opinion was the only one that mattered.
If your teenager loves to dance, pay attention to their choreography. What emotions are they portraying? What type of music are they dancing to? In high school, a fellow student of mine created a dance routine to Bon Jovi's "It's My Life." Her dance, and her song choice, got her message across loud and clear that she was angry at the director and me. She didn't even need to use words.

Fake Social Media Accounts:
I believe parents should be well aware of their children's Internet usage, and frequently check their phones. An anonymous online profile can be a place for teenagers to share pent-up emotions. For example, a girl with a low self-esteem who feels lonely may form a fake online persona of glamour and excitement and intrigue. In essence she is creating a world to hide out from her hurtful feelings - not a healthy option! A loving parent can help her learn positive coping skills to successfully navigate adolescence.

Music:
This is a no-brainer. The type of music your teenager rocks out to tells you what's on his/her mind. Pay attention to the iTunes and Spotify playlists. Is there an abundance of love songs, breakup songs, angry songs, teenage angst songs, violence, or sorrow? If you notice a trend, strike up a conversation using the skills I mentioned above.

Parenting through the teenage years can be rough, but it's vital to stay connected to your kid. They need you during those years, and if you can be a safe landing zone for emotions (happy, sad, and everything in between) then your healthy communication patterns will benefit you all.

Did I miss something? Is there another way to you find your teenage children expressing emotions?

Senin, 26 Juni 2017

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Jumat, 09 Juni 2017

How to Discuss Pregnancy Fears with your Husband

When I work with couples in counseling, we often discuss communication.

Scratch that - every time I work with couples in counseling we discuss communication.

I remind the couple that female brains and male brains are different. Men and women are emotionally different, and yet they can work together beautifully if they are motivated to really understand each other and communicate. This means each spouse needs to understand themselves as well, before they go into a potentially heated or emotional conversation. For more tips on handling disagreements, check out my blog post here.

Anywho, back to pregnancy fears. . .

There's a story that I think I have told every couple I've ever worked with, because it highlights the issue of self-analyzing and then appropriate emotional disclosure. And it all began with a pair of baby shoes.

--------------------

When we were about eight months pregnant with our first child, we took a trip to Target. I wanted to look at baby clothes. While we perused the aisles, I saw an adorable pair of little newborn shoes. Exclaiming "Awww, look at these shoes!" to Johnny, I fully expected him to share in my excitement about their cuteness.

However, his reaction was, "But didn't you just tell me that you read in the parenting books that babies aren't supposed to wear shoes until they are walking? And that they shouldn't even wear shoes unless they are walking on a surface that could hurt their feet, in order to help them learn to walk naturally? Why would we spend $7 on a pair of shoes that our kid won't even wear?"

I was immediately shocked at his reaction (although I had recently read to him all about baby shoes and walking.)

After the shock, I became frustrated and angry. We finished walking the baby aisles and headed for another aisle to complete our shopping trip, and with every step I allowed myself to become more and more irritated with his comment.

When we got home I played the classic, yet unhelpful, move of not talking to him. I wanted him to "figure out" that I was upset. (See, even counselors aren't perfect.) It took until bedtime for him to realize something was bothering me, and I told him it was because of his comment about the shoes.

He replied, "We can go back tomorrow and buy the shoes, if that's what you want."

But immediately something didn't feel right.

I didn't want to buy the baby shoes. I knew I wouldn't put them on our son, because of what the baby book said. Suddenly I realized that I was not mad because he complained about the price of the shoes.

"It's not about the shoes," I said.

He was confused, and I was confused.

By now I was calm enough to realize that he wanted to help me, but I knew that buying the shoes wouldn't solve my frustration. However, I didn't know why I was still bothered.

I explained that to Johnny and told him I needed some time to figure out what was wrong, because it wasn't about the shoes.

It took me a couple days.

And then I realized my problem!

I asked Johnny to go for a walk with me after dinner. During our walk, I brought up the baby shoes and apologized for getting so mad. I acknowledged that it wasn't about buying the shoes. . . my frustration came from his not exclaiming how "cute" they were.

I explained to Johnny that as I pondered about the problem, I had realized that I was nervous and afraid for our child to be born. I talked about my fear that my life would change forever, my normal routine would be different, and my sense of freedom would be altered. I was afraid.

Because I was afraid, I needed him to be extra excited to counter-act my fear.

I didn't need him to buy the baby shoes to appease me; I needed him to say they were "cute."

Johnny smiled and said he could do that. He reassured me that I would be a great mom, and told me how excited he was to be a father. And he promised to show excitement at all the baby stuff.

--------------------

So why do I tell this story to my couples in counseling?

This story shows the importance of understanding where your own emotions are coming from, before you explode on your spouse. Once you know the root of the problem, it becomes solvable.

Johnny calmed my fears. I felt reassured. Problem solved.

Unfortunately, many couples get stuck in a pattern of fighting back and forth, without listening to each other, seemingly trying to determine who is "right."

Insults are traded instead of emotions, and the conversation only ends in more pain.

It is important for couples to take time to analyze their own feelings - whether they be feelings of fear, inadequacy, hurt, jealously, unimportance, etc - and then feel safe enough to share those feelings with each other. Figure out what's underneath the behavior that bothered you.

During pregnancy, a woman's hormones are wacky anyways. The more she can determine what emotion is affecting her, the easier it will be for her husband to help.

Anger usually stems from hurt or pain. Anger is closely related to fear.

Common pregnancy fears include:

"What if I never regain my shape, and he stops being attracted to me?"

"What if I'm not cut out to be a good Mom?"

"What if the baby isn't healthy?"

"How do I balance my time as a mother and a wife?"

Think about the pregnancy fear, and determine what emotion is underneath. If anger is present, analyze what is fueling the anger, and how the problem can be solved. Then, ask for quiet time to discuss your insights with your spouse.

It's probably not about the baby shoes. (=

Kamis, 01 Juni 2017

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Jumat, 26 Mei 2017

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Kamis, 04 Mei 2017

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Minggu, 16 April 2017

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Kamis, 30 Maret 2017

Help your kids eat veggies plant a garden!

My son is a picky eater.

But he loves veggies!

I think it's because of our vegetable garden.

Our kids enjoy watching the plants grow and then eating veggies right from the bush.

Hence this picture:

and this picture

I realized I don't have pictures of our daughter attacking the broccoli plants. But between the two of them, all four broccoli plants were constant nubs. Each time they'd play outside they would take a bite here and there.

(FYI - we don't use any harmful sprays on our veggie garden, so they can't ingest something dangerous.)

If you have space for a small garden in your backyard, I recommend planting a garden! My favorite veggies from the garden are corn, peas, and tomatoes. They taste different/better being so fresh. Last year I took a handful of carrots to church for the teenage girls in my class.

One sweet girl commented, "Wow, so this is what carrots are supposed to taste like!"

If you have picky eaters, let them help you plant, grow, and pick the veggies.

Hopefully they'll learn to love them too.

Senin, 20 Maret 2017

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Rabu, 15 Maret 2017

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Jumat, 10 Maret 2017

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