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Jumat, 18 Agustus 2017
Moms Make it Work Valarie Mom to Ten Kids Grandma Wisdom Past the Little Kid Years
I try hard not to have 'favorites' when it comes to the Moms Make it Work series. But I'm not going to lie when I say that today's poster ranks up there pretty high when it comes to hitting me hard in the (pregnant) gut with wisdom. It's lengthy and it jumps around to different subjects and I LOVE IT SO MUCH.
When I first put out the 'casting call' for mothers of older children, and mothers with large families I had no idea that Alicia would refer me to her mother-in-law, Valarie. And oh, what a gem we have for you readers today! Val has a blog called Well, Yeah. She has TEN children. She is a grandmother and her youngest child is nine, so she fits the bill for both 'big family' and 'past the little kid years.' She is a homeschooling, home-birthing, breastfeeding mom with an amazing outlook on motherhood. Mostly I love it when moms with older kids tell me it DOES get easier, and when they remind me to soak in the little babies as much as possible. I worry that Val has just sparked my 'thinking about four kids' fever a little too heartily but I'm going to ignore that part of my gut-punch and stick to the other take home points;) Hi, Nate.
Val emailed me about writing for the series after Alicia mentioned it to her, and instantly I knew I wanted her to post for us. Here is what she said in her first email to me:
"I would like to participate in the way that as mothers we all feel like we’re starting over from scratch, and really we’re not. Raising a family is a universal human experience that we all share, and the rules are always changing, but babies and little kids do not change.
Then my great-grandma told me that the first food they fed their babies was graham crackers soaked in milk, at about nine months. (Breastfed, no options in 1920.) All at once a light went on over my head: ding-ding-ding. It doesn’t matter that much. Just so the baby gets fed somehow, that is the main thing."
When I first put out the 'casting call' for mothers of older children, and mothers with large families I had no idea that Alicia would refer me to her mother-in-law, Valarie. And oh, what a gem we have for you readers today! Val has a blog called Well, Yeah. She has TEN children. She is a grandmother and her youngest child is nine, so she fits the bill for both 'big family' and 'past the little kid years.' She is a homeschooling, home-birthing, breastfeeding mom with an amazing outlook on motherhood. Mostly I love it when moms with older kids tell me it DOES get easier, and when they remind me to soak in the little babies as much as possible. I worry that Val has just sparked my 'thinking about four kids' fever a little too heartily but I'm going to ignore that part of my gut-punch and stick to the other take home points;) Hi, Nate.
Val emailed me about writing for the series after Alicia mentioned it to her, and instantly I knew I wanted her to post for us. Here is what she said in her first email to me:
"I would like to participate in the way that as mothers we all feel like we’re starting over from scratch, and really we’re not. Raising a family is a universal human experience that we all share, and the rules are always changing, but babies and little kids do not change.
Okay, here’s a good example. When my oldest kids were born we started cereal at two weeks, fruit at four, meat, blah, blah. It was a full schedule of poking baby food into tiny mouths and scraping it off their chins. Then a few years later it was the popular theory that babies didn’t need any food at all until five months. Why five months? I don’t know. Later on I had a kid who wouldn’t eat anything even at a year old. He’d roll his eyes and throw the food to the dog and hold out until the meal was over and I’d take him to bed and nurse him. ( He’s 6’5” graduating the university next week.)
Um, yes. I wanted to hear more and truly, the last four paragraphs of her post are THE.BEST. I hope you enjoy the post as much as I did!
The Moms Make It Work series asks the big question: How do you make it work?
We just do—Moms do, parents do. We apply trial and error, flounder around with our priorities, and we make it up as we go, and that’s how it is for pretty much everyone. And it’s always evolving. What works for a while then doesn’t work, so we begin again with a new plan.
I’m a mom in my early fifties now, a mom of ten. These days I really have six adults and four children: The oldest is 34 and the youngest is 9.
I refer to that littlest one as the maraschino cherry on top of a giant sundae of family. She was born after our 25th anniversary and I’m glad I didn’t know ahead of time about these littlest kids. I don’t think I could have stood the waiting. How do you wait 23 years, 25 years for a child?
People all the time have observed my life and asked me, “How do you do it??”
I’d be so baffled. “Same way you’d do it. I don’t have a special way.”
Truth is it wasn’t until we didn’t have babies anymore, and our toddlers turned to little kids that my life became amazingly EASY. All at once the question made sense. How did I do all that? I just did. I was too busy doing it to ponder on anything.
Then I wondered at what all the rest of them did with their time anyway, the big slackers.
They’d also ask me if the kids were planned.
(Yeah, I know. How rude.)
I wasn’t a jerk. I’d tell them, “Nobody has ten kids by accident.”
I do love babies, love how life with a baby is living in synchrony, sleeping together, waking up together, the weight of them in the sling, the smell of their breath, bathing them, dressing them, carrying them around. And I love having a baby in the house—the way they make things funny and sweet, and how much the other kids are soaking them up too—the aggravation and work, and also having them to share the goofy parts with and watching the relationships between them grow.
This question always comes up: How did we afford them? Their dad has a good job and we also watched our money. Our oldest son complained when he was big about how now we were more prosperous and bought Oreos and he’d had to endure the chocolate chip bars his dad made every night. I can’t tell you how that made me laugh—stories from his tough childhood, how he had to endure Dad’s baking constantly. There were plenty of complaints he could have made against us, preoccupied and stupid as we were, but THAT?
This is to inform you that no matter how hard you try, they will complain anyway. Do your best, but just know that.
Here’s a little known big family truth—the kids are a lot of help. You don’t see it when you have a trio of preschoolers. They can’t help. They’re crazy little twerps, prone to arguing over trivia and making huge messes. Their demands are random and somewhat bizarre.
BUT soon they are a bit bigger. A ten year old is hardly any work at all, and is really good company.
So by the time our fourth child was born, the oldest two were eight and seven. They could answer the phone, get the mail, investigate what the others were doing and report back, help pick up toys, amuse the baby while they watched TV and I made supper.
The hardest of all is having a bunch of littles, with no middles or big kids to help. Those extra hands are amazing and they are what make a big family possible—everyone who can pitching in.
But there are some people who think this is bad. I’m not sure why exactly because life is all about trade-offs no matter what anyone chooses, but there’s the idea out there that the MOM should do everything and the kids should not have to do anything for each other because of some abstract idea about something that is meaningful in some way to someone.
Interesting. I don’t get it, obviously. There was a day a friend with one child was at our house for lunch. During the meal, Kirsten wanted to leave for a minute, and she prefaced her leaving with the announcement, “Listen to me: This is my food, and I’m coming back. Don’t touch it. I still want it. I’m not done.” Then she ran off.
The friend said, “Ohhh. Ohh, that is so sad.”
(She actually blurted that out.)
I said, “Sad? It’s not sad at all. SHE is SMART.”
Case in point: A lot is perception.
I bottle fed the oldest two, but nursed the rest. It was pretty much continuous nursing from 1984 until about 2006. I lived life with a baby tucked in my shirt, in the baby sling, on my hip. ( You get used to it to the point you’re doing the side to side swoop with a bag of groceries if you’re forced to hold one.) Plus I wasn’t working—I was home, and this was my job, keeping care.
Here’s another thing about why it was important for me to nurse those babies. In a big family there’s always a lot to do, and it’d be just so easy to pass the baby and a bottle off to some older kid. But because of nursing, I had to do it, so those babies got the undivided mom time they deserved—the cuddle connection was easily accomplished together.
This is something the big girls have talked and laughed about too, big family stuff I probably will be slammed for: When I was getting the baby to bed, I’d turn the three year old over to the other kids at bedtime. (Their dad was usually working in the office.) If they’d fake they were going to sleep until the little one was asleep, they could stay up.
Bribery!
(Yep. I recommend it, actually. There comes the give and take—you do this and I will do that. The motivation provided by Skittles can save a shit ton of yelling and whining. Present it as a business arrangement.)
One night James was overtired and tucked in bed, prayers and kisses. Little Jay did the fake going to sleep thing, but almost beat me down the stairs. I said, “He’s asleep already?”
“Oh yeah. He always goes right to sleep when he’s depressed.”
Okay, he wasn’t depressed. He was overwrought because he was little and tired.
Heidi and Kirsten had the same deal with Little Jay a few years before—get him to sleep and you can stay up as long as you want.
Well, their curtain rods were bent and he’d puked up a nickel and the stories went on and on. I was annoyed about the curtain rods and a bit freaked out about the nickel, “Yeah, I can’t believe you would blame a BABY!”
It actually was the baby, doing flips and skin-the-cats on the curtain rods. I’m sorry girls, and I know you didn’t feed him a nickel. That was all him.
And then there’s the homeschooling. Our oldest child was dyslexic and that’s a whole huge story in itself. If you really care to know about it, there’s a section in my blog specifically called homeschool. The short version is the system was taking him down, his confidence most of all. It’s tough to be little and dyslexic in school. We tried very hard to make it work, and it didn’t. In desperation, we decided we couldn’t possibly do worse by him.
So we took him out, and his brother too for simplicity, and our entire family’s life took off in a different direction than we ever expected, and I love it so much. We didn’t fit in with other homeschoolers, not religious enough mostly, and second not interested in the Young Genius crowd, and it seemed to always be one or the other with the homeschool parents. But we figured out how to be us, and how little formal education kids actually need during childhood. David Guterson referred to it as “a self formed in solitude.” There’s not much solitude around here, but I know what he meant—the freedom to be yourself and figure out your own rhythm and style. The kids had the childhood to do that, and I do also think that this is part of why we and they are so close.
Here’s what I did not know while I went around with a baby tucked under my chin and a house full of rowdy goofballs: They were going to grow up to be the dearest friends I’d ever have. So while you’re planning your family, take a look out—way out past daycare hassle and sippy cups with curdled milk under the bed. Look out past the music lessons and Little League. What do you want your life to look like twenty-five years from now? Specifically who do you want in it? You may not want ten people. But maybe you DO. I’m telling you the work was all worth it.
We did not set out to have ten children. It is a wildly extravagant thing to have done, in every way. First we had two. We were students, so with two brothers a year apart, we took a break for a few years. Then we had two more, two little girls, and it was five and a half years before we had the fifth one. It was a hard transition going back to a baby again, and he was such a little dictator we called him Napoleon behind his back and agreed he needed a sibling his own age. (Maria was his beautiful, curly haired equalizer.) But then we had a few more just because we were having fun. Homeschool had become fun. Homebirth is fun. Life had become so far out of mainstream and we didn’t even know it, and really did not care.
When I was a girl I went to nursing school and then never worked much as a nurse. It has never really felt like me. In my thirties I went to college for a bachelor’s degree in finance of all things, with a minor in ethics. When my baby was four, I started selling real estate, which I enjoy, and it’s also flexible hours, work from home mostly, but also unpredictable income, capricious clients.
I have felt lucky to be able to provide care to my grandbabies when their parents were at work because I know how impossible childcare always seemed to me. Expensive. Scary. Imposing. Well, I cost nothing, and am not scary, and I don’t feel imposed upon. I enjoy their craziness, and feel proud of the contribution to everyone’s peace of mind and well being. Nobody has a bad day at Grandma’s. I know kids are squirrels and grow in different ways, and sharing is hard, and working out conflicts is a complicated skill set that even adults struggle with sometimes. There are ice cream treats in my freezer, and the love is forever.
One of the questions Julia specifically asked was what to expect as the kids move on into their own lives and do the struggles and bad parts fade away and the good parts remain?
Kids do separate in late teens and early adulthood, and it’s confusing for them too. Sometimes they fight a lot because it’s way easier to leave feeling angry than it is feeling wistful. Others withdraw more quietly, but they all need the space to do it.
And yes, with teenagers I use guilt to my advantage because how else are you going to influence a teenager? When they genuinely feel bad that you’re upset? This is a good thing—they may not do what you hope they would, but they have heard. We have no nefarious intention toward them, no hidden agenda, and they know it. Our intentions are all about their protection, safety, and well being. That they may have a different version of this than we do—possibly. We can talk about it. We haven’t had any troublemakers and honestly even when they pushed the boundaries they stopped far short of self-destructive behavior.
What I wish for them is that they be independent in adulthood and have sustaining relationships with family and friends. The forms that could take are infinite. So far, so good.
And remembering the good parts vs. the bad parts? The big picture is splendidly good, so yeah, the cream rises.
But the kids love to bring up and laugh at me about the times I was Mommie Dearest, my channeling Joan Crawford, having an adult tantrum, throwing shoes in the stairway at midnight, the time I cracked wooden spoon against the cupboard in some kind of fury and it shattered, the workbook I tried to rip in half in a moment of pure outrage. (The little turds LIED and I found out.)
The million-zillion times I was appropriate, and civilized and kind? Nah, forgotten. I have taken the point of view that I’m glad my asinine moments do stand out—that they were so far off the norm that they’re memorable. Regrettable and embarrassing yes, and there are a few times when I truly was an ass and wish with my whole heart I could have a do-over, but it doesn’t work that way. Some saint said, “When you know better, then you do better.”
It doesn’t fix anything, but it’s helpful to hear that—hopeful that we can grow into kinder selves.
I’m going to close here with the last part of an article I wrote when Tim was a baby.
“...Of course going from childless to caring for a baby is a shock, but they are taking themselves way too seriously. Their baby will be a baby only a single brief wonderful year, and then they will have a toddler. Soon after that they’ll have a little child, and then soon a bigger kid.
I understand right now they are reeling under the responsibility and time issues a baby creates, but if they think they are the first people to go through new parenthood—wrong. They are not. It's just life. My first child overwhelmed me too, and then the second one was still hard work, though not twice as much work as one. By the time we had that third baby though, I just enjoyed her—knowing that everything with a little child is a temporary situation.
I think if you want them, you should have babies and kiss them all the time. Wrap them in blankies and carry them around. Laugh a lot, sleep together when it suits you, and ignore dust and crumbs as much as possible. Go to Little League games and scream, "Good hit!" and "Run! Run!" Rent them instruments and cover your ears while they practice. Buy them pets, take them swimming, and read magazines at the park while they play so you don't have to watch them dangling upside down.
Soon enough you'll be clutching the dashboard while they lurch around learning to drive your car, moving their stuff into the dorms at college, and dancing at their weddings, reminiscing about where the time went. I speak from experience here. Fear not any chaos. Love rules.”
{Tear. Thank you, Val! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
{Tear. Thank you, Val! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
Rabu, 12 Juli 2017
Moms Make it Work Farrah Older First Time Mom
Today on the Moms Make it Work series, we have Farrah who is a long-time reader of this blog. She emailed offering to post as a 'older first-time mom' after this was mentioned on Instagram and I loved reading her take on being a new mom at the age of 35. Plus, she's a local Milwaukee girl and has a great sense of humor about motherhood so what's not to love? My favorite part was her description of the classic Starbucks and/or/within Target combination, and the fact that her family has traditional 1950s roles but she 'almost never' vacuums in high-heels and pearls. Yes. Love it. Enjoy!
Hello everyone! My name is Farrah and I’m excited to be the representative for older first-time moms for the Moms Make it Work series. I am 37 years old, and my husband Andy recently turned 44. We got married in May of 2011, and became first-time parents in November of 2012 at ages 35 and 42, respectively. I retired from the insurance industry before becoming a stay-at-home mom, and my husband is a mobile architect. We live one mile west of Milwaukee County with our son Luke.
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| My 36th birthday - my first as a mom! |
I always loved writing, so in high school, I took as many English classes as I could. Two a day during my junior and senior years, to be exact. I took nearly every class the English department offered and found myself on a first name basis with the teachers (kidding). When the time came to decide what I wanted to do after graduation, the only thing that came to mind was getting an English degree. However, while I got good grades, I didn’t exactly enjoy school, and way back in 1995, about the only job option for someone with an English degree was to become an English teacher. Choosing to spend the rest of my life in a school seemed like career purgatory. So, much to the dismay of my teachers and guidance counselors, I decided to forgo college.
In the fall, as my friends began their college careers, I went to work full time in the records department of a large insurance company in downtown Milwaukee. It was a crash course in the real world. One of the things I remember most was trying to build a professional work wardrobe at age 18 - opaque tights with skirts became by uniform. But despite my lack of fashion sense, I excelled at my job because it was everything school wasn’t. My boss took notice and after only four months, I was promoted to a Commercial Lines Rater. I loved my new position, and my new rate of pay (hello lunch hours spent buying clothes at the Gap at Grand Avenue mall).
My fashion sense remained questionable while I underwent approximately six months of on-the-job training for my new position. After a year and a half of rating everything from commercial property to worker’s comp, I decided I should pursue an education since I didn’t want to work in the insurance industry forever (this will later come back to haunt me). But in 1997, the options for obtaining a college education were still mostly traditional, i.e., full time days in the classroom, so I quit my job, and enrolled in MATC as a Commercial Art major.
It took me about 2.2 seconds to realize this was not the major for me. Turns out, I was going to have to draw, something I have zero aptitude for. Perhaps I should have researched the major before giving up a good paying full time job? Anyway, I promptly switched to Liberal Arts until I could figure out what I wanted to do, and decided art supplies would make excellent Christmas gifts that year (kidding again). After two semesters, I settled on Marketing Communications. I enjoyed my classes, however, the program had low enrollment, so my classes kept getting dropped (annoying). I wanted to graduate someday, so I switched majors one last time to Business Mid-Management.
Not long after partying like it was 1999 (because it finally was), I spent my winter break doing data entry at a small specialty insurance company in Wauwatosa run by one of my former bosses from my insurance company job (dress code: jeans and hoodies). When the spring semester started, I stayed on part time doing whatever work they could find for me. After about a year, I landed in the claims department. I continued to add hours to my schedule, and by the time I was ready to graduate, I had received a few raises as well. I was earning more than my degree would have paid me elsewhere, so I decided to stay.
For the next several years, I continued working in the claims department, processing and eventually adjusting equipment maintenance claims for the credit union industry. I attended MATC in the evenings to complete a Marketing Specialist Certificate so I wouldn’t waste all of the credits I earned as a Marketing Communications major. Soon after that, I entered the 10th Annual Say Good Night to Illiteracy contest sponsored by Half Price Books, and the poem I submitted was chosen for publication! It was printed in a book, along with 19 other winners, and sold in Half Price Books locations all around the country.
In early 2007, I joined the Greenfield Jaycees with the sole intention of meeting new people. However, being a Jaycee became so much more. I got involved in various community projects right away, gaining both new friends and self-confidence along the way. My chapter presented me with an award for Jaycee of the Year at our annual installation and awards banquet that December. I like to think being a Jaycee helped me get a promotion in the fall of 2008. And unbeknownst to me at the time, but I would soon be meeting my future spouse (indirectly) through the Jaycees.
I took a week of vacation before starting my new position as a Product Functional Specialist. During my vacation, I attended a housewarming party for one of my Jaycee friends. When I returned from getting a drink, there was a guy sitting in my lawn chair (the invitation made it very clear to bring your own). I politely told my friend someone was in my chair, and with arms akimbo, she told Andy to move. Andy then moved over one seat (to yet someone else’s lawn chair) and proceeded to chat me up. He recruited me to be on his team for a game of bags. Before he left, he touched my lower back. I felt tingles up my spine. He told me he’d be back at 8 o’clock. When he hadn’t returned by 9 o’clock, I went home.
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| The day we met |
Our mutual friend invited me out a few weeks later, and Andy was there. We exchanged numbers, but he didn’t call. We all hung out again on Halloween. This time, he texted me the next day. Despite having just finished reading The Rules, I agreed to go on a date the same evening. All of my stalkinggathering information finally paid off – we began dating!
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| Waterfalls Tour - Marinette County |
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| Engagement Day - Mo's Irish Pub |
Now that we were engaged, I officially moved into Andy’s house, but wedding planning took a back seat for a while. Andy’s house was for sale and I was studying for my Wisconsin Property & Casualty license for work. I passed my exam on the first try, and we proceeded to look at 43 houses before finally finding our house on Super Bowl Sunday, one day after Andy accepted an offer on his house.
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| See - feathers! Not so great on a rainy day... (Photo Credit: Jessica Quist Photography) |
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| Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park |
Age began to play a factor when I wasn’t going into labor on my own. My original due date, November 4, 2012, came and went. So, at 40w5d I was admitted to the hospital for an induction. Twenty-six hours later, I was still only 8 centimeters. I was hungry! I was tired! I was angry - I was too old for this bullsh*t! I begged my doctor to perform a C-section, and my wish was granted. Luke was finally born on November 10, 2012, weighing 8lbs, 15oz.
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| The night before being induced (40w4d) |
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| It's a boy! |
What are the best parts of your situation? What are the challenges?
The best part about being a stay-at-home mom is spending everyday with my son. I love being there for every milestone (and capturing it on my iPhone). Now that he’s a little older, I truly enjoy his company - toddlers are so much fun!
I don’t feel like I left a career behind, so I don’t worry about what my industry will be like when I return because I don’t plan on returning. I keep up with my continuing education requirements for my insurance license because I believe it’s better to be safe than sorry, and the time and financial requirements to do so are minimal.
The hardest part for me is balance, or the lack there of. While I make a point to get out of the house most days, I still feel like I’m home all of the time. Obviously, I’m busy all day, but I often feel like I didn’t do anything. I can’t begin to hold a candle to how much all y’all working moms get done during the day!
Sleep deprivation is brutal in your late thirties. Our son didn’t sleep through the night from age 6 to 15 months. Since I don’t work outside of the home, I shouldered most of the burden of his nightly waking’s during this time. While I was thankful I didn’t have to get in my car and drive to work after getting such little sleep, I was basically a zombie trying to care for another human being.
Age-related health concerns top the list of challenges we’ll face when we decide to add to our family. While I got pregnant easily the first time, we know that may not be the case next time. I will be advanced maternal age again, and I think the potential risk factors are more scary at 38 or 39 than they were at 35. Also, after failing to progress with my first labor, I know I will be facing another C-section and the recovery that goes along with having one.
Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
My mom stayed home with me when I was little, so I had a good idea what being a stay-at-home mom looked like. However, that was back in the late 1970’s - my mom made my clothes and cooked from scratch. That, combined with today’s Pinterest, and I definitely feel pressure to be more domestic than I am. I own a Hello Kitty sewing machine (although it’s still in the box) and I prepare meals with help from pre-packaged items. When my son’s first birthday rolled around, I felt like I had to make ALL THE THINGS on Pinterest. I ended up making some of the things, and I kept my sanity (mostly) intact.
I certainly didn’t expect I would enjoy being a mom as much as I do. I always knew I wanted a family, but I never thought too much about what that would actually feel like. I struggled to adjust to motherhood after my son was born thanks to the longest case of colic ever in the history of ever. It sounds harsh, but if I could forget the first six months of his life, I would. Thankfully, colic is long gone (but not forgotten), and I’ve learned to accept that my son will probably always be a high-needs child to some extent.
Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
It is for us. We follow traditional gender roles. My husband works outside of the house, handles our finances, and tends to the yard work. I handle the child care, cooking, and cleaning. As much as I sometimes feel like a 1950’s housewife, I can assure you I almost never wear high heels and pearls to vacuum.
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| First Easter |
Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current setup staying put for the long haul?
We hope to add one more member to our family in the next year or two. I don’t anticipate ever working full time again, but working part time once our kids are in school would be nice. I look forward to being able to attend field trips with my children, which is ironic since I hated going on field trips when I was in school.
Tips on how you make your situation work for you
We have a lot of help. My mom is retired (a perk of being older first-time parents is our parents are also older) and she has been an invaluable resource for us. When our son had colic, we found ourselves needing more help than we ever could have anticipated. She was the calming influence our son needed, and her near-daily visits gave us a chance to catch our breath because we were mentally exhausted. My mom still comes over almost every day for a few hours to play with Luke, which gives me a chance to do things like exercise, go grocery shopping, or start dinner. We like to joke that some people have a nanny; we have a nana!
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| Buddies! |
Getting out of the house every day is essential to my sanity. Now that Luke only takes one nap a day, we do something every morning. Some days are scheduled activities, like story time at the library or music class. Other days we run errands, usually Target or Starbucks, or Target and Starbucks, or if we’re feeling really crazy, Starbucks in Target. We also have play dates, go to the park, or just walk around the mall.
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| Target |
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| Starbucks |
Saturday mornings are family time. It doesn’t matter what we do, as long as we are spending time together. In the summer, that may mean going to our farmer’s market, the zoo, or exploring a new park. In the winter, we might go to the mall, the library, or play in the snow.
Having a sense of humor is extremely important. I am not a patient person by nature, but most days would be really awful if every time my son did something naughty I got upset about it. So when my son draws on the walls with his crayons, I don’t get angry, I get a Magic Eraser. Then I laugh because I did the same thing as a kid, and they didn’t make Magic Erasers back then (sorry Mom!).
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| I'm glad Luke inherited his father's fashion sense |
Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?
Since I always knew when we had children I would stay home to raise them, I didn’t struggle with this decision. I would say this – if you don’t have a job you love, and you have any inkling that you want to stay home, find a way! Cancel the cable, grocery shop at Aldi, brew your own Starbucks, dye your own hair (older moms have lots of grays!), get your Coach fix at the factory outlet, sell your full-price Coach on eBay. I don’t have to do any of these things, but I do most of them because I feel it is how I can contribute positively to our household’s bottom line without contributing a paycheck. While my husband has a well-paying job, I am the queen of finding a cheaper alternative for almost anything.
How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family?
I plan, shop, and cook the majority of the meals in our house. Meal planning is an absolute necessity for us after one too many “what-do-you-want-to-eat-I-don’t-know-what-do-you-want-to-eat” nights. With a hungry toddler in the house who eats most of the same things we eat, it’s more important than ever. I do major grocery shopping every 10-14 days, and I keep a well-stocked pantry worthy of a feature on an extreme couponing show. Much to my chagrin, I do most of our shopping at Pick ‘n Save (double coupons!), but I also pick up other items as needed at Target, Aldi, and Sendik’s. I usually plan all of our meals for the week on Sunday, and record them on our menu board. I try to keep my meal planning flexible, so if we don't feel like spaghetti on Tuesday, we can have spaghetti on Wednesday instead. I also keep a picture of each week's meal board on my phone so when it feels like we just had spaghetti, I can see if we did in fact just have spaghetti.
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| The pantry! |
I cook about six days a week. I don't actually like to cook, but I get some sense of satisfaction from providing a reasonably healthy meal for my family. I follow the protein + starch + vegetable formula for most of our meals, and I have about a dozen meals I cook on a regular basis. I try to make one new recipe a month – sometimes it’s a one hit wonder, others get added to our regular meal rotation. During the winter months, I usually cook something in the crock-pot on Sundays, and serve the leftovers on Monday. We always have ingredients on hand to make spaghetti.
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| I'm starting to think we eat spaghetti too often |
We usually get takeout one night a week. Our usual suspects are Crossroads Pizza (they deliver), Noodles and Company, and Wendy’s. We don’t really love Wendy’s, but at a mile and a half, it is the closest fast food restaurant to our house. I've eaten more food from Wendy's in the past four years than I did the first 33 years of my life. Junior bacon cheeseburger (no mayo) and value fries, anyone?
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| You're doing it wrong |
How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while the kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?
Being home means I want my house clean ALL OF THE TIME. In reality, being home means my house is clean approximately NONE OF THE TIME. I have a cleaning schedule that I loosely follow. I try to tackle one task after my son is in bed for the night, but if I don't get to it, I either just skip it until the following week, or I might double-up my tasks the next night, especially if it's not a night my husband and I watch a TV show together.
Before my son gets up in the morning, my goal is to make the bed, empty the dishwasher, and start a load or fold a load of laundry. I do straighten during the day while my son is awake – I don't want him to think elves clean our house when we're not looking. When my husband takes our son upstairs after dinner to begin the bedtime routine, I clean the kitchen (put away any leftovers, load the dishwasher, make the coffee for the next day, wipe off the table), take out the trash, and put toys away.
Before my son gets up in the morning, my goal is to make the bed, empty the dishwasher, and start a load or fold a load of laundry. I do straighten during the day while my son is awake – I don't want him to think elves clean our house when we're not looking. When my husband takes our son upstairs after dinner to begin the bedtime routine, I clean the kitchen (put away any leftovers, load the dishwasher, make the coffee for the next day, wipe off the table), take out the trash, and put toys away.
Ugh - the toys. I wish I could contain the toys to the living room (i.e., Luke's unofficial playroom), but I want my son to have free reign of the house, so they tend to migrate to the family room, kitchen, and dining room. This makes me a little twitchy throughout the day, especially since my son's favorite thing to do right now appears to be dumping out baskets of toys and then moving on to something else.
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| ALL THE TOYS! |
Concerns from older moms
One of Julia’s readers (hi Allison!) wanted to know how others perceived older first-time moms. I happen to look young for my age (good genes and clean living - HA!), so I have received no negative feedback whatsoever. All of my cousins had at least one child when they were 35+, so for my family it’s kind of normal. My husband and I wonder what it will be like when our son is in school as we will likely be some of, if not the oldest parents (we’ll be 53 and 60 when our son graduates from high school). People are living longer – I think it’s a natural progression for people to become first-time parents later in life.
Thanks Julia for putting together this motley crew of moms and for letting me be a part of it!
{Thanks, Farrah! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
Sabtu, 08 Juli 2017
Moms Make it Work Becky Stay at Home Military Mom
Today on the Moms Make it Work series we have Becky, a blog reader who emailed me asking if I needed another military mom's perspective. Her email really struck me when she said, 'Although we live a more unique lifestyle in that we're not 'civilian' per se and deal with all that may entail; at the end of the day we're just doing the best we can for our daughter and #2 coming in October, as well as each other.' Isn't that the truth? Aren't we all just trying to do the best we can for our kids no matter what our specific situations may be? I enjoyed Becky's post and hope you do, too!
Hi! Many thanks to Julia for letting me share some of our story! Its a nice chance to reflect and document some parts of our life -- I know I don't do that enough. I don't have a blog, but do instagram (rebb25). I've loved reading every single 'mom story'; its awesome how we can be so different and yet so similar.
This is our (growing) family on a recent trip. Family pictures are hard to come by these days as Eliza usually declines (refuses!) to take a picture. We're a military family in it for the long haul. Its busy, always changing and quite and adventure but I love being a mom.
What is your background story? What was your career/schooling before you became a mom? And where are you now?
Today I am a stay-at-home mom of one (two in October!) girl(s) in Savannah Georgia. My husband is a Warrant Officer in the Army - a Chinook helicopter pilot.
I hear its like driving a big bus...
inside looking out
He is a huge part of my background since we've been together since my high school senior prom; yet we've been more apart than together. We went to different colleges and when I was in grad school for speech/language pathology he joined the Army. Once I graduated he was off to Hawaii and deployed in the summer of 2006 to Iraq. Over the next year I planned our wedding and worked. In August of 2007 we were married in St. Louis...so so so thankful to everyone that made it happen! As our luck had it -- his 12 month deployment turned into 15 with the troop surge and there was no real reason for them to send him home. Some emergency leave and a few stressful moments later it all came together.
October 2007 after he returned to Hawaii I moved there and we were there until we came to Savannah in 2011 with another deployment during that time. While we were in Hawaii I worked full-time as an SLP in an elementary school on post.
Close by where we lived on the west side of Ohau
Once we moved and had Eliza in March of 2011 I turned into a stay-at-home-mom. She's all kinds of sweetness and spunk.
Scott's most recent deployment was when Eliza was about twenty months.
Saying good-bye...surprisingly chipper for 11 at night
He has been home just about a year from his deployment to Afghanistan. We're anticipating moving again in a year/year and a half or so. Who knows though -- things always seem to change!
-What are the best parts of your situations? What are the challenges?
I do love being able to be with Eliza during the day -- to go to story time, the park, just be at home together, etc. I enjoy being around her -- she's so curious and its fascinating to see/hear what she's interested in and eager to learn. Not to say there aren't challenging days/moments -- I'm finding that age three with Eliza is our hardest yet!
I'm also enjoying sharing this life with Scott; I can't imagine raising children with anyone else. We have lived some places I wouldn't otherwise -- before Georgia we were in Hawaii for a few years. As hard as it can be to move, these experiences have been incredible.
Day to day challenges include Scott's schedule -- some nights he may fly, work late or be gone for a period of time here or there. It can make for some long days, but I usually handle bedtime anyways so our overall routine doesn't vary. Even though I stay at home, keeping the house clean is always a challenge. Its a tough balancing act to complete chores around the house and spend quality time with Eliza. We are usually out and about in the mornings so after lunch rest time (since she doesn't nap anymore) has to be creatively used. After bedtime Scott and I spend time together.
I got this mom!
It is always a challenge to stay connected while Scott is deployed. I am thankful for face time/skype, etc. but the reality is there are day to day details that he misses. He was gone for Christmas and her second birthday last year, but also missed her vocabulary exploding, most of last summers swim time, dinners at home...all those living life daily activities. I can take as much video/pictures as possible, but it just can't compare. As hard as it is to have him walk away and be gone for 9+ months I can't imagine how hard it is to be the one who has to leave us.
Not to mention that something always happens when he's gone. This time the a/c went out, the garage door broke, the pool turned green. Deployment is always a time to expand my skill set :-)
Re-integration (when he returns) can be another challenge. The routine has changed and life has continued. Everyone has to shift and wiggle back into a place that feels comfortable again. Time, being flexible and open-minded have helped us.
-Is this how you expected it to be pre-kids?
When Scott joined the Army I had no idea of what that would entail. Our life revolves very much around the Army and his career/schedule. Its been nothing like I expected, but good.
-Is this your ideal situation? If not, what is?
I think for us this is close to ideal. Staying home right now makes my time more flexible when Scott has off; we have more freedom in planning trips/days off activities when I don't have a work schedule to consider. I feel content overall these days, though I do miss working.
-Do you see yourself making a career change (whatever that means) in the next 5-10 years? Or is this current set up staying put for the long haul?
I do miss working with pre-k/elementary school kiddos and hope to do that again in some capacity one day. Life always changes when we move and I'm sure it'll be no exception this time around. I believe that we're in it for the full twenty years, so I'm sure life will be different in another few years, but as to what it'll look like I don't know.
-Tips on how you make your situation work for you:
I think being flexible is high on my list...and realizing that sometimes its easier to throw any expectations I might have had out the window. Some days are better when we go with the flow. Yet, having a schedule and a routine is beneficial, especially when Scott is gone. I suppose recognizing where we are at any particular moment and that our needs as a family/individuals change frequently and adapting to those needs is a valuable skill for us.
The support of friends and family goes without saying. I belong to a local gym, trade babysitting with friends when needed, play dates and our family travels to see us (or vice versa) when they can. I have mom friends with some very different views than mine; but that doesn't mean we can't support each other in raising our kids and life on a daily basis. I appreciate their perspective and often can learn more about myself and my parenting. At the end of the day our goals are the same; happy, healthy safe kids that grow up to be good members of society. How we get there may be different.
However, Scott being supportive is worth everything. We each have our strengths/talents within this life we've built. He comes home from work and helps with the dishes, bedtime, etc. Although I'm home more, he's willing to jump in and vacuum or help pick up -- whatever. And I'm of the belief he can fix almost anything that breaks :-) We have our challenges and frustrations like anyone else, but I feel he truly is a partner and friend as we navigate raising these little ones.
-How do you handle mommy guilt?
I try very hard to be patient, but there are times that I yell out of frustration. We sometimes have hard days/moments and I always feel guilty for losing my cool.
This is the house we brought Eliza home to from the hospital and we'll do the same in October for her sister. Its all she's known. But -- sooner or later we'll move...and move again. This Army life is one that Scott (and by extension I) chose, but not our kids. Scott and I consider St. Louis our hometown. Its where we grew up, went to highschool, etc. Eliza may not have/feel that and I worry that we're not giving her enough roots or stability.
However, I try to remember that although life is in the details you CANNOT overestimate being present with lots of love. We may move, change schools, say good-bye to friends -- all that change and more -- but we give our kids so so much. They are healthy, have a home, clothes, can make friends, be adaptable and they have us. Wherever we are and whatever our circumstance we'll give them the best childhood we can. So, though Scott may miss some day-to-day living we try to remember the overall big picture...which is good, so good. When I see her happy and content I know we're doing good things.
Some guilt really is just us putting pressure on ourselves to be more, do more and strive for perfection. None of us are perfect and that's a good thing. If we were all perfect life would be quite boring :-)
-Advice for new moms struggling with returning to work outside of the home? Or struggling to decide if staying at home is the right choice?
Consider the decision between you and your spouse/significant other, etc. When I was working in Hawaii some fellow SLPs talked extensively on how its best to be home when your kids are young, etc. I wasn't ready to leave Eliza for a long while, but either way those conversations did stick in my brain and make me wonder what about the 'right' decision. The right choice is one that works for you and your family, period.
-How do meals work in your family? Meal planning? How often do you grocery shop? Who is in charge of this task in your family??
When we are on top of our game we grocery shop once a week. Dinner goes much more smoothly when I meal plan, but that hasn't been happening lately. I am generally in charge of grocery shopping and dinner since I'm home more, but its not set in stone. There are days when Scott stops at the store on his way home or we try to decide together what to eat.
-How do you keep your house clean? Power cleaning after bedtime? Staying out of the house as much as possible? Cleaning while kids are awake? Purging often? Cleaning schedule?
Our house is never as clean as it should/could be and there's always laundry. There are the basics that I try to do every day: dishes, pick up/put away, toy clean up. If we are gone during the day the house does stay cleaner, but we always have more clutter than I'd like. As we start thinking about moving I'm thinking about purging what we can.
Thanks for letting me share; its always nice to hear/read about moms having an imperfectly perfect life. Regardless of who we are or where we are in life we are doing our best at navigating motherhood.
{Thanks, Becky! Find the rest of the MMIW series here}
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